Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sex with Dead Husband?


A friend of mine recently asked me, "Do you ever have sex with Evan and imagine, just for a moment, that you're having sex with Erik instead?"

Normal thing to wonder about a remarried widow, I suppose.

Actually, I love that she asked me this.

But the answer is NO.

Never have I imagined, in the heat of passion, that Evan was Erik.

I did, however, imagine that other men I dated were Erik.

Of course I wanted them to be Erik.

When you watch your 29-year-old husband slide down the kitchen counter and die, there is a certain amount of denial that comes along with the territory.

Like staring at the door. Waiting for the knob to turn.

Erik, you home?

Nope. Not home.

Or completely vacating your pregnant body because you cannot believe that you are that woman. That 29-year-old widow with two babies.

Not possible.

In fact, denial forced me to date three different dark-haired men, all named Erik.

Seriously.

Why?

They just kept popping up in my Match.com instant-messages.

But, come on, people, husbands are not handbags. You can't trade one Coach purse in for another, just so you can call it by the same name.

"Sorry," I'd say. "I have a rule of not going out with Eriks."

It wasn't right.

If I accidentally called them by the wrong name, how would they ever know?

But it is because of Erik, because of having him yanked away, almost seven years ago, that I have learned to love Evan even more.

That is as far as I go with two men in my bed.

I do not envision Erik under our red chenille blanket with us, or that Evan is Erik.

But, you know, I do hold Evan's gaze in a way that I didn't with Erik.

Why did I do that? What made me turn away?

I was afraid. Felt undeserving.

Why should anyone love me this much?

And now, I ponder this newly created life with Evan and our four children, and I realize that I am still afraid.

This time, though, what I fear is that I will miss out on these moments of bliss.

So I keep my eyes open and do my best not to look away.

9 comments:

  1. Good one Hyla! I think you are living your purpose, and your words do inspire people to love more deeply and fully! I want to keep my eyss open and not look away too!
    XOXO

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  2. This post shows that you have the guts to truly live your life and so many do not.

    Great post and great to meet you!
    Patricia

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  3. Thanks, Patricia!!! Honored that you like it!!!

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  4. Girl...I am, right NOW, IMing with a Match.com correspondent named....RON!!! (Yea, my late fiance was Ron.) UNbelievable!

    I didn't think I'd EVER date a Ron again. But when I heard from this Ron, he seemed so sweet that I thought, OK, give this guy a chance even though his name is Ron! I plan to call him Ronald. lol

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  5. It is an amazing, awesome, valuable gift to be able to weave humor and tragedy into the same quilt. It's good for writing, good for living.

    Fan Forever

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  6. P.S. anyway to get email notifications when you post to this blog?

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  7. Red chenille? eh? very sexy..oh, gee...I got stuck on that part - great article...you have a wonderful ability of getting right to the heart of it.

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  8. Như chúng ta đã biết hiện nay trên thị trường nội thất có rất nhiều thương hiệu nội thất văn phòng khác nhau tạo ra những sản phẩm nhiều mẫu mã và chất liệu màu sắc cũng như giá cả. Đặc biệt là hơn là thương hiệu Hòa Phát với mẫu bàn làm việc văn phòng luôn được thu hút nhiều người sử dụng. Không những về mặt chất lượng thì sản phẩm bàn làm việc tại văn phòng cũng cần tuân thủ các quy tắc thiết yếu như về chất lượng ân toàn, gọn nhẹ, để chuyển thiết kế đơn giản không quá cầu kì thì những yêu câu ấy thì ban van phong gia re tphcm của Hòa Phát Sài Gòn đấp ứng những nhu cầu ấy cho khách hàng sử dụng. Không những về bàn mà chiếc ghế dành cho văn phòng cũng là yếu tố không thể thiếu trong văn phòng làm việc và đặc biệt cần có sự kết hợp hài hòa giữa bàn làm việc cho văn phòng. Và hiện nay các mẫu ghe xoay van phong luôn được các văn phòng công ty chọn lựa mẫu ghế làm việc cho nhân viên tại văn phòng.

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